Home > Helpful Resources > Tip of the Week Articles

TIP OF THE WEEK ARTICLES

Just a Little Appreciation, Please

Esther Schlessinger-Mita, PhD
September 29, 2008

My four year old daughter was about to present a puppet show for my husband, her brother and me. We sat in anticipation on the living room couch and we all clapped and shouted "Introducing the Princess Puppeteer!" and she came alive, prancing and leaping in...pure bliss on her face as she drank in the applause. "Ok", we said, "the show?"

"Wait, wait, one more time, without the puppets part, please!" she pleaded, wanting one more chance to twirl in front of us and revel in the applause, for that moment applauded and loved completely, for simply being her, no show needed. And that's when it hit me. We were laughing at her unabashed joy for our adoration, but isn't that really what we all still want? We all just want to be loved and appreciated simply and purely for who we are, with our faults, for whatever does make us special, unique and lovable.

As a couples and family therapist, this core desire comes up over and over in sessions with my clients. With couples, if you dig under the anger and frustration and get to the hurt, you often find that he/she doesn't feel appreciated by their spouse, and feels like what he/she does is simply not good enough. It is devastating. Similarly, I have seen many a sad or angry teen in my office arguing with their parent(s), only to uncover that underneath the wrath they are expressing is the fear that their parents simply don't accept him/her. They fear this especially if they think what they feel is different, or not up to the parents' expectations, real or imagined.

How and why do we lose that bliss? What happens to our ability to give it, receive it and feel it? Why can't we feel lovable, even adorable, and worthwhile, despite imperfections? Worse, how do we get to that place where we are either, perhaps unintentionally, critical of others, or perhaps simply forget to just show them appreciation for being themselves?

My seven year old gave me some ideas. He came home from first grade the other day looking serious and downtrodden. I inquired what was wrong, and he said, "On my quickie quiz, I got some wrong...I'm so mad at myself, I wanted to hit myself." This response really stung, and it hit me that although naturally conscientious, I had to take some blame for already imposing the seemingly ubiquitous pressure to do well in school so effectively that in the first grade, he already no longer felt good enough. He lost his blissful confidence that he was great no matter what. In fact, he also started correcting his younger sister in a superior way, passing on the favor I had done to him. And I decided, this is how it starts. Unaware, slowly, subtly, unintentionally, the message is passed on.

Perhaps we are simply more likely to express our dissatisfactions than our happy contentment with those who are closest to us in our lives. But it is easy to forget how much appreciation we all do like to hear, sometimes because we need it, and sometimes because it just feels so good. Its easy to forget to celebrate the people we love in our life because we assume they know. But even if they do, and often they don't, the applause just feels great. Instill. Enjoy. Express the positive. Don't assume they know...it won't hurt to hear it again and again.

---

Esther Schlessinger-Mita, PhD is a Senior Therapist in CFR's Paoli and Lionville offices and can be reached at 610-594-9808 ext. 4.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.