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How's Your Anger-Meter?

Dr. Peggy A. Vertreace, MFT
January 3, 2011

Some people can be very predictable when it comes to managing their anger. They are either in control of their anger or their anger is in control of them. It is not hard to know what buttons to push and which ones to stay away from, when it comes to dealing with someone whose anger-meter can easily be tipped off the chart.

This is not to say that anger does not have its place, since it is an important emotion to have. When we experience anger, we can be moved to act on behalf of the rights of our selves or others in a positive way. A healthy display of anger can change matters for the better. So, it is not the anger that gets us in trouble, but rather how we use it. Anger is a normal response in everyday life or a specific situation that may present itself in the course of living. As a result, especially in our fast paced, need-it-done-yesterday, stressful society, many have manifested their anger in reactionary out of control ways. For example, the boss or supervisor gets under your skin and you come home and kick the dog or possibly exhibit your anger some way in road rage. Some may even resort to yelling, shouting, or becoming physically aggressive towards a spouse, child, or anyone else who just happens to get in their way. Maybe the boss or supervisor is not the issue; possibly there may be other triggers that cause your anger to go through the roof. A certain situation can cause you to react, due to out of control anger. Such a situation can bring on an unpleasant memory, thereby triggering your feelings and thoughts into behavior, which you later regret. Knowing your triggers or stressors can be key to making the decision as to how you will deal with your anger in a responsive productive manner, rather than a reactive counter-productive way. If you do not know how to deal with your anger, get professional help or take an anger management class as soon as possible.

Here are some tips to keep your anger in the proper place, along with a helpful formula to help you discern the importance of responding rather than reacting when addressing your anger or that of another.

Alternative Ways to Control Your Anger

• If you are spiritual, you may choose to pray and ask for spiritual guidance and wisdom in a given situation.
• Determine where your anger is coming from. Ask yourself or an honest friend if your anger is valid. They can help you determine if you are just looking for a fight or seeking revenge.
• Get more information, which can keep you from flying off the handle and put you in a position to make a more informed decision. This point can also keep you from approaching the wrong party when addressing the situation.
• Take a time out (or a respectful truce to resume the conversation at a later and agreed upon time) by removing yourself from the situation in order to collect your thoughts. Remember anger has an affect on your mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing, seeking balance here can make for a win-win situation.
• Plan ahead if you think a particular encounter will result in your becoming angry, having no productive resolution to the problem at hand. Decide ahead of time that you will stay in control, so that the best outcome can be gained.
• Take slow deep breaths as a calming measure, which can serve to decrease the physical stress on the body brought on by anger.

Here is a little formula I came up with to use when resolving conflict:

REACT	VS.	RESPOND
Counter-Productive Trajectory		Productive Trajectory
(Speeds the process up and out of control)		(Slows the process down to maintain control)
reAct		resPond
Attitude		Peace
Aggression		Position
Anger		Perspective
Attack		Protection

Reactivity can produce a negative attitude, which can lead to an aggressive posture, which gives rise to anger, resulting in an attacking behavior or outburst.

Responsiveness can produce an atmosphere of peace, by backing off and positioning yourself to see the situation from a more productive perspective, which allows for protecting your own integrity and safety and that of others.

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Dr. Peggy A. Vertreace, MFT is a Senior Staff Therapist at CFR's Spring House office and can be reached at 215-628-4620 x8.

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