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Cooling It: Anger Management Solutions

Wanda Sevey, MDiv, LMFT
February 18, 2008

A friend once said to me "I operate on the 5 year plan. If I get angry I ask myself - is this going to matter in 5 years? If the answer is no, then I let go of my anger and start looking for other solutions." My friend had wisely found a way to cool himself down when he was angry. His ability to cool it helped him go on to find real solutions when there was a problem to be addressed. Anger can be a clue for us that something is wrong in our relationships or lives. Anger is energy, and using our anger to investigate, address and attempt solutions to problems is a positive and healthy way to use it.

Sometimes the way we manage our anger can create problems for us and our relationships. It's tempting to use anger to try to control others and get them to do what we want. That might work for temporarily, but over time the people we love will seek protection from us either by distancing themselves from us emotionally and physically, disregarding us or becoming angry themselves.

If the people we love are going to feel safe enough to open their hearts to us and trust us enough to look to us for support and mutual care then we're going to need to give up anger as a tool for control. A first step is to give up controlling others and focus on soothing our angry feelings and changing our angry behavior. We can begin to cool ourselves down by identifying the thoughts that come along with our angry feelings and replacing them with thoughts that soothe us.

Stop and think about the last time you lost control of your anger. What was the thought that you had at the time? Thoughts like "I can't take this anymore!" "You can't treat me this way!" "I'm being disrespected!" "I'm mad now and you're going to get it!" are examples of "hot" thoughts that can lead us to impulsive, angry behaviors. Then, think about the "cool" thoughts that can soothe you. Those cooling thoughts are going to be different for each one of us. You'll know you have found one when you say it to yourself and find yourself exhaling, feel the tension leaving your body, and you feel calmer and more relaxed. Try some of the cooling thoughts below and then work on finding your own until you've found the ones that are most helpful to you:

• "Is this going to matter in 5 years?"
• "This is just a disappointment. I can handle it."
• "There is no problem here we can't solve."
• "There is no real threat here."
• "I'm cool.I can manage this."

Once you've found some thoughts that cool and soothe, practice, practice, practice! With practice they will become a habit and a practical tool for managing anger.

The cooling thoughts exercise is adapted from the book Stop the Anger Now: A Workbook for the Prevention, Containment, and Resolution of Anger by: Ronald T. Potter-Efron. These and other effective strategies are taught and practiced in CFR's Anger Management Workshops.

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Wanda Sevey, MDiv, LMFT is a Senior Staff Therapist and Acting Director of CFR's New Jersey offices. She can be reached at 856-783-4200 ext. 1.

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