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3 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Rita DeMaria, PhD
April 18, 2005

Recent studies indicate that 44% of men and 25% of women have extramarital affairs. Affairs are devastating. It's one of the toughest things for a couple to deal with. Affairs often happen in good marriages and it's essential that couples learn how to affair-proof their relationships. In my 20 years of experience in helping couples, here are the suggestions I've found most useful: 

1. Stay Connected
Couples that disconnect emotionally are the most vulnerable to affairs. The main reason couples disconnect is because of the conflict that comes from talking about sensitive issues. Couples typically fight about sex, money, kids, time and in-laws. So instead of avoiding these topics, learning to talk about them is a way in which both people feel heard and understood. You don't have to agree. If you don't agree with your spouse, say something like, "I don't see it that way, but I can understand how you do." When conflict comes up, learn to turn emotionally toward your partner and not away from them.


2. Set Boundaries
You can love someone and be attracted to someone else, even if you have a good marriage. Avoid situations that provide opportunities for affairs. For example, in the work world, don't create opportunities, especially during times when you're vulnerable. If you've had a fight with your spouse avoid discussing it with someone that you're attracted to or work closely with on a regular basis. Call a friend, take a walk, contact a counselor.


3. Get Your Needs Met
Men and women have different needs and it's important for couples to know what their needs are. Women's primary needs are affection, conversation, openness/honesty, financial support, and family commitment. Men's primary needs are sex, a recreational companion, an attractive spouse, peace and quiet (domestic support that allows for that) and admiration. If your needs aren't met, you're much more vulnerable to an affair!

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Dr. Rita DeMaria is a Senior Therapist and CFR's Director of Relationship Education. She can be reached at 215-628-2450.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.