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Adoption

Wanda Sevey, MDiv
May 29, 2006 

For parents who have built their families through adoption, the accusation of "You're not my real parents!" can be painful. Yet as painful as it is for a parent to hear those words, hearing them and responding with an open heart may be a path toward a deeper bond with your child and a deeper understanding of the emotional and developmental issues surrounding adoption. Many couples and individuals choose to build their families through adoption. It is estimated that there are between five and six million adoptees living in the United States today. For those of us whose lives are touched by adoption, understanding the twin emotions of joy and loss is part of our family journey. 

Most of us easily recognize the gains and joys we've received through adoption. Few of life's experiences can compare with welcoming a new child into the family, becoming parents, becoming a family and building a future together. But there are also losses in adoption for both parents and children. 

For many parents, the decision to adopt has come after facing the reality and loss of infertility. Adoptive parents may also feel the loss of a shared genetic tie and a child who "looks like me." Children partially or completely lose their birth families through adoption. They may feel different among their peers because of their adoption story. And sometimes they may also feel a loss because they don't physically match their parents. Each child is different; some children may feel these losses acutely and others only slightly. 

The most important thing is to help your child know that you are open to hearing about any feelings she is having. Listening with acceptance, empathy and resilience will help your child know that she doesn't have to protect you emotionally and that she can share any feelings she has about her story. If you'd like to learn more about parenting your child, two books that are helpful are Real Parents, Real Children by Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge.

Note: You can click on either book title above to be directed to Amazon.com and review each book's summary, etc.

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Wanda Sevey, MDiv is a Senior Staff Therapist and Assistant Director of CFR's New Jersey offices. She can be reached at 856-783-4200 ext. 4.

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